That is the Question
by RatedMature
Summary: Nyota and Spock discuss his new relationship, thus revealing a few things Nyota doesen't like to hear...
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Nyota has seen something she isn't sure she likes, but when she talks about it with Spock, she gets some revelations about their former relationship that are even worse.

Warnings: mostly conversation, mentions of severe abuse, non-too-descriptive sex in chapter two

Star Trek isn't mine

* * *

„Why him?"

Spock's brows rise slightly. From his position, seated on his bunk in his quarters, he has to look up at her, but something in his face makes clear he doesn't feel like he's in disadvantage, he sits straight, but not stiff, his hands, fingers steepled loosely, lie limply on his thighs.

"We have terminated our relationship eleven-point-three month ago," he says, sounding to all the world like he's discussing shift rotation sheets. "Also, as far as I am informed about your life, you are participating in an 'exclusive' relationship with Mister Scott since our disastrous visit of Psi2000. It is therefore illogical for you to…"

"_Yes_," she half-snaps. She loved Spock, she really did, but his incapability to understand her point has always riled her right up. "Yes, I'm with Montgomery and I'm happy but…but it all ended so…"

She hesitates for a moment, unsure what to say. _Sudden_? _Strange_? Both surely fits, but also, both sounds almost trivial to her.

Finally, when it has been silent for too long and Spock makes no indication of speaking up, she settles for "So _unexpected_. I mean, I thought we were happy - -or content or, or agreeable, or whatever term you like, even after your…your abduction, you leaned on me afterwards, and then, all of a sudden…"

Again, she has to stop, shrugging helplessly.

In all honesty, she still doesn't know what exactly happened. Of course, she knows that the abduction and the torture had taken a toll on him. After all, she's been the one to translate his garbled language-mix to the doctor, she's been the one to help him with the Aphasia, she's been the one to hold him through the mental examinations he needed after his mind had been so forcefully searched.

(She has not been the only one to do so….but she tries not to think about_ him_ right now.)

Point is, she was there for him and he leaned on her and then, all of a sudden, he shoved her away, stared to avoid her, until finally…

"I know, Nyota." Spock's voice is still leveled, calm, but now it is just the tiniest bit less mechanic. He still betrays feeling with her. Despite her anger, it warms her heart a little. "But you have to believe me…I had my reasons."

And that leaves her icy once again.

"Reasons. _Reasons!"_ she spit scornfully. "Dare you believe it, he had _reasons_."

"Nyota…"

"I know you had reasons, you never do _anything_ without a damn reason!" That's when she realizes she's almost screaming and she has to turn away before she really starts…or before she hits Spock, who, of course, still sits there like he's in a business meeting.

"Nyota, please," he says from behind, but his tone says 'Lieutenant'. "I understand I…upset you, and I assure you it was not my intention. But still, I do not see why you are persistent to discuss my current…"

"Of course not," Nyota snaps before he can say 'relationship'. She knows it's...childish and futile, and she isn't entirely sure why she wants to discuss it – she has a new love in her life and it's Spock's right to have one, too – but even though they are done, every time she thinks about last night in the hotel…it makes her freeze inside and boil with anger at the same time. Maybe it is because Spock always dimmed the lights with her.

Spock frowns down at his hands, then he looks back up at her, brows still drawn slightly together, creating a thin vertical line above his nose. "Are you - - trying to express a continuing emotional attachment towards my person?"

"What?" This time, she almost laughs. "No, no - - well, yes, I still love you, but not like that. Not like that, not anymore. I just want to know…" _Why did you throw me away? What does he have that I don't have? _"Why, of all people, would you choose _Kirk_?"

Spock hesitates for a moment, confused, then he exhales softly. "Jim…I am not certain. He is something special. He gives me what I need."

The way he says Kirks name – almost a sigh, so low, so tender, so _human_ – almost has her shuddering, and not entirely unpleasant, but the rest…she's never been so angry in her life. For a moment, she can't even speak, something seems to constrict her neck, sends heat through her belly, coils around her hands and arms like cold compresses.

"He gives you what you need," she repeats. "Two years, Spock, we were together for two years, and he gives you what you need?" It hurts, to be told so blatantly that she apparently never was enough, that their relationship apparently was just a sufficient crutch until Spock was emotionally stable enough to find the partner he really wanted. A final rehearsal before the big gala performance.

They are not touching, but her anger is so tangible _a hot wave of red fume, boiling, pulsating _that he can feel it even form where he sits and winces. "Nyota, you misunderstand me. Our relationship… was satisfactory."

"Satisfactory," she spits. "But not enough to be a long-term thing, then?"

For her as a human, saying that feels strange, considering they did spend two years as a couple, but for a Vulcan, two years are nothing. A fling.

"You have to admit that we were…not entirely compatible." Nyota snorts and crosses her arms, but Spock doesn't let her talk. "You always wished me to be more…accessible. More human. You wished for our love to become public, and though I did - - did love you…at times, you asked for more than I could give you."

"And Kirk doesn't? He, of all people, doesn't…push you?"

"No," Spock half-whispers. "He always…he gave me the time I needed. He always accepted when I could not…when his pace was faster than mine."

Nyota desperately wants to say something about yesterday night, if it wasn't _asked too much_ to strip naked and spread his legs for the Captain in a brightly-lit hotel room…but she can't. It didn't look like that yesterday, it didn't look like 'lay back and think of the _Enterprise_', it looked like…like…Kirk would ask Spock's consent for every touch, for every single thrust of his hips, as stupid as that may sound.

"Right," she mutters, suddenly feeling tired and resigned. She can't even really look at him anymore, not while he has that warm, tender expression on his face, visible even when you don't know him as well as she does. "Fine. Fine, he's perfect where I wasn't and you're with him now while I'm with Montgomery. Just…just why did you have to cut me out so _suddenly_? Is it…was it for him?"

"No." It's beyond her how a single syllable can sound so meaningful – maybe it's the way he almost chokes on the word….but she knows him good enough to see he isn't lying.

She waits for another few heartbeats, but as nothing more follows, she shrugs and opens her tightly clenched arms, letting them fall against her thighs with a frustrated slap. "Fine," she says again. "You don't want to tell me, you don't have to tell me. It has been a year anyways. Doesn't matter anymore."

It doesn't mean she doesn't want to know anymore, but still, she turns away and walks towards the door. Her legs feel heavy and she has to force every step, as if she was walking against a current. Right before she reaches the sensors that would open the door for her, Spock's voice rings out from behind her again.

"He violated me."

Nyota stops dead in her tracks.

* * *

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

Some mentions of abuse and sex, here.

* * *

She can't believe what she's just heard…it's impossible. She cannot imagine something like this could happen to Spock, one of the strongest, most powerful, most dignified men she has ever met, cannot imagine anyone could do this to him, especially not a human, coming to think of it.

First of all, Spock is much stronger that Kirk, it is basically impossible for a sole human to beat a Vulcan in a direct physical combat, and even half-human, Spock has a strength that makes humans look as fragile as glass. There is no way the Captain could have touched him in any way Spock didn't want…he has beaten Kirk before without even sweating…

But, of course, Nyota's reeling mind supplies, there are possibilities. It would not have been the first time someone has beaten Spock.

Maybe Kirk wasn't alone. Brought some guys from security. Or, more likely, he poisoned him, there are sedatives and drugs that would either paralyze or relax his muscles, that would take Spock's physical advantage, he might have he blackmailed him somehow, threatened to reassign him if he didn't do it…._ordered_ him maybe, god knows Spock might obey even to this, led by blind obedience…

But it didn't look like it. When she opened the hotel door and saw them where they lay together, intertwined, openly on display, it didn't look like it was nonconsensual…or did it? Breathing deep, Nyota recalls the picture….

_….they are on the bed, on top of the still-folded bedding, their Captain luxuriously spread on top of her former boyfriend, the soft lights beautifully gilding the long curves of his muscles, silkily shimmering on Spock's bare skin and tousled hair. Kirk's upper body is supported by his forearms, laying beside Spock's face, their fingers are tightly intertwined, resting on the pillows slightly above and to both sides of Spock's head. Their eyes are open, locked on each other, never turning towards her – they haven't even noticed her standing in the door – their faces incredibly close, no inch apart, lips and noses occasionally brushing. One of the decadently many pillows in the room has been stuffed under Spock's lower back, slightly angling his hips upward; his legs are spread and slightly bended at the knees, sliding against Kirk's hips and thighs; under their breaths, she can hear the soft sound of skin rubbing on skin, slickened by sweat and lube. The position and Kirk's weight probably don't allow Spock much movement, but it cannot matter, as this is obviously not Kirk's usual, wild rutting, not fuck-for-fun, this is unhurried, his hips rolling in a languid, slow, gentle pace, savoring every millimeter of movement. In the split second between her stepping back and the door silently swishing close, she hears Spock giving a soft sound between a moan and a sigh, sees Kirk smiling softly, lowering his head even more to brush his lips against the corners of Spock's mouth…._

…no, it can't be. This didn't look like rape, absolutely not, it looked far too loving to be forced, it is true that there was not much sound, practically no moans, but she knows Spock, she has slept with him before, after all, he is quiet in bed, she knows that he was enjoying this, she knows…

For a spilt second, a truly crazy thought hits her: Vulcans are a race praising clear dominance, a race whose marriage contracts still have the terms 'possession' and 'property' in it, whose wedding nights are a matter of mindless, biological - and physical, if you believe the stories - force, restricted in rituals, so what if Kirk did it earlier? Would a forced subjugation cause Spock to think himself his Captain's property now, his insane body control allowing him to relax even without consent?

But no.

She just cannot imagine it, neither Spock falling in love for violence nor, she has to admit, Kirk being a rapist. Sure, Kirk can be a heel and he is like an especially horny dog sometimes when it comes to sex, but he would never force anyone, neither for lust nor for dominance. If he wanted to put Spock in his place, he wouldn't use those means.

Kirk may be many things, but he would not sink that low...right?

Behind her, she can her the soft rustling of fabric as Spock shifts slightly. Realizing it has been silent for too long, she manages to croak, "What?"

"It was just him," Spock goes on silently, "but I was…too weak to defend myself." He swallows thickly, something she has never heard from Spock before. "I was still…I was wounded…he bound me…before…I was chanceless."

Her eyes well up with tears she hastily blinks away. This has actually happened.

Shivering, Nyota turns again. Spock has barely moved, he still sits on the bed, but now his shoulders are hunched and tense, his fingers clenched tightly. "What…what are you saying?" she whispers. If this has actually happened, if Kirk forced himself on him…how could she not see this? How could she not see Spock was suffering all these month? "When…when did…why did you never say anything?"

The only answer she gets is another swallow. Not even a glance, what worries her even more – Spock usually looks everyone directly into the face, but now, his eyes are fixed to his hands. She moves a few steps into the room, acting on instinct, but stops before she reaches him, uncertain what to do. Is she allowed to hug him? To sit next to him? Or would it feel like a breach of privacy?

"Spock," she pleads, unsure what she is pleading for. "Spock, why didn't you tell someone? We…I could have helped you!"

"I could not," Spock admits. "I - - I was ashamed. I was…afraid that you, that Jim, would think me weak if you knew."

* * *

TBC..


End file.
